Erica

"Erica", Tattle Tale from Move into the Villa Villakula

little girl keep your mouth shut so you don't make any noise
keep your mouth shut so you don't make any noise
smile pretty smile pretty smile
even though you're in pain
smile pretty smile pretty smile
even though you're full of shame
i can see the fog is clearing
i can see their lies are breaking
i can see the smoke is rising
i can see the walls are falling
i pick up what's been left of you
i can see all that's been done to you
leftover photographs
leftover missing laughs
leftover time of mine
all alone in her life
alone alone alone alone
alive alive alive alive
survive survive survive survive survive
alone
survive
alive
little girl this wold is full of crazies
little girl this world is full of crazies
crazy
i can see the fog is clearing
i can see the lies are breaking
i can see the smoke is rising
i can see the walls are falling
it's a clear ring in my ear
ear
a clear scream in my ear
ear
a clear cry in my ear
i'm laughing from fear
fear
i'm laughing from fear
fear
i'm laughing from fear...

---

Mostly I feel like I will be fifteen forever, like I am going to spend my whole life lying motionless on a futon mattress, my body shocked into permanent stillness. Mostly I feel like I will never remember to put on my mittens, like my hands will always be cold from the dark and the snow, my knees sore from kneeling on gravel, searching for something I dropped because I am always dropping things and am so, so clumsy and isn't it sad? That I am so clumsy and always hurting myself? I will always be walking back to Kayla's house, forgetting that she is on spring break, that she is getting drunk for the first time with her cousin, the one who is Popular and on the Wrestling Team. But I will go inside her house anyway and I will sit on the sofa, the one they don't have anymore, and I will cry for a long time before walking back home, up all of those hills. I will move through her empty house, looking at her brother's model planes and her sister's new guitar and the magazine clippings that Kayla has taped above her bed: Conor Oberst, Courtney Love, Sid Vicious. We are teenagers and are angry and sad and misunderstood. It is a long walk home. It is a long bike ride home. There is never anyone waiting for me.